EDIT: OK. I better explain something. I was trying to remove this audio file below from my Audioblog and in the messed up process that ensued, I screwed up my last post. I managed to salvage it via copy-and-paste but sadly I have now had to re-post, losing all your comments. It pains me quite a bit to lose them so if ya wouldn't mind leaving me some again...? Please.... And act surprised...!

Freakin'
A! Talk about relieved! I'd practically assumed they'd used my
application as toilet paper by now. I've never been so happy to have to
go to an interview, 'specially a job interview! So its scheduled for
February 8th at 1:00 pm at the Embassy of Japan in London. Thats a week
and a half to stress over it... but I can't say how happy I am I have
it to stress over! I don't wanna get ahead of myself, though. Stage 1
is complete. On to Stage 2. The actual interview. And then, of course,
Stage 3. I actually need to graduate! Still, I'm pretty stoked right
now. I just can't help feeling I need to be doing stuff to prepare and
the like, when there's nothing I can do, interview-wise. Just gotta
work my ass off here at Uni, give it my everything!

I've been
waiting for my JET news to update. Nothing much else really to say.
We've been back at Uni 2 weeks now. As a result of Amano Sensei needing
to spend the past week in hospital, we have had little in the way of
classes. Free time has been spent video gaming and film-watching.
Balex, on learning I'd never played a Resident Evil game, set me off on
Resident Evil 4 which I've thoroughly enjoyed (not just for having Leon
get his head chainsaw-ed off!) and we have ploughed through 3 of his
Japanese film selection, being "Versus", "Shogun Assassin" and "Battle
Royale". All entertaining films, Battle Royale rating highest and
prompting the 3 of us to imagine the scary notion of "Battle Royale:
NUFS!" Click below and enjoy!

Anyway, I'll keep it short. Thats it really. I got interview!!! Booya!!!

Preston welcomed me back to Uni today with its usual dose of grey skies and rain. I headed for my first lecture to find out that classes actually don't start til next week! In other words, I could have got in an extra week of work and an extra £80-90 to my rapidly diminishing finances. I've spent my afternoons over the Christmas holiday waxing-clerical at my Mum's office in order to pay back what I owe her and my brother. Now thats done I am again left with next to no money. 'Course that didn't stop me buying some new skate shoes to replace the holey (and pretty rank) old pair I left in Japan the instant I received my student loan! You know how when you feel crappy and you buy stuff to cheer yourself up...? It was like that. Still, I can't justify it. I don't know why I do these things... (Feel free to offer theories, however offensive!)

I've been putting off updating 'cos I've been anticipating a reply to my JET application this past few weeks. I was gonna update when I got it, either a joyous outburst of joyful joy or a bitter epilogue to broken dreams, depending on the nature of the response. But, still nothing. I'm told by the JET UK website it could take 'til early February before interviewees are notified but I'm still operating on the whole "sooner-the-better" principle and the further we get from sooner, the closer we get to "I've failed! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit....! Shit!" That bitter epilogue update is looking likely... TBH I really don't know how I'll react if its bad news. Part of me is expecting it now, and prepared for it, but its like my life has been building to this. I have partly lived and breathed Japan since I was 8 years old. I've been thinking of JET since I was 16. My year at NUFS made me want it, its practically what I was made to do. How do you deal with being refused by the one job you are perfectly qualified for? Damn! Please, JET people. Please hurry it up and let me know, either way! Make me or break me!

I'll move onto something more upbeat, I reckons. A lot of people seem to have had birthdays lately. First up, my best friend from childhood, Nathan Philip Smith aka "Smitherine" (as in Wolverine, but he hates it. As much as I hate Mo... certain unmentionable nicknames.) He turned 27 on the 2nd. Jeez... its been, like, 15 years since we went bowling for his 12th birthday and played Street Fighter 2 in the arcade there. (First time I'd ever played it! I picked Ryu and totally won!) Like lazy bums we didn't do anything, but did spend my last Saturday at home indulging our love of off-beat British comedy with Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace". Funny as fu... err, yeah. Funny. Funniest thing I've seen in ages! Next up we have the Lott sisters. Beka also turned 27 on the 3rd followed by Anna turning 29 on the 10th (I got all that right, right?) Then there was Holly Campbell, NUFS sister, lady Jedi, Penis-Shrinker... turning 21... on.... errr... OK! I don't know the date! But it was recently. So to you birthday boy and girls...

Happy Birthday

Not much more to add. I've been given an extra week holiday, I guess. Its nice not to have to worry about kanji tests and handing in our Japanese film reports (which Balex, Kate and I still haven't done) but ain't no rest for us 'til May now. It just hit me recently. I'll be graduating. In 4 months, its all over. I gotta say, I'm looking forward to it. I've taken longer than most to get this whole University thing done and it'll be a relief to finally have done it. Still, miles to go before we sleep...

One last thing... "Cute Without The E" by Taking Back Sunday is definitely my most favouritist song EVER! I freakin' love this song so much I literally get breathless everytime I hear it!

Peace! "I will never ask if you don't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know you never loved me!"

So its nearly 11 pm GMT here in the UK. Greenwich MeanTime. Its what the whole world bases its times on. 'Cos we British invented time, ya see? As well as many other things like... cows... and, erm... the colour green... and stuff! Anyways, I figured I'd get a head start on finishing this update by the time 2007 rings in. 2006! I started thinking about it just a couple of nights ago and it hit me! 2006 has probably been the most eventful and important year of my life! I've been to 3 different countries (not counting stop overs in Korea) in 3 different continents. I spent half the year in Japan, half the year in England and 3 days in the USA. I have had the most incredible experience of my life, experienced feelings of love and bonding like never before and feelings of pain and loss to match. I've been at my absolute happiest and most content this year and, at times, my most distraught and miserable. I've found a home on the other side of the planet and family from all over the world. Japan was easily the best thing to ever happen to me. Having to leave Japan was probably the hardest, most painful thing to ever happen to me. All in all, I've been through the entire spectrum of human emotion, been all over the world, experienced life and love like never before. I've found it, savoured it, lived it and had to let it go. Its been awesome and beautiful and painful and terrible. I've never been happier to be alive and never sadder! So, yeah. Eventful!

So now its time to look ahead, I s'pose. I've got a hellish 4 months ahead, trying to juggle my dissertation, my Japanese study (which includes a 30 minute presentation on English teaching in Japan), my regular classwork and pray to God I get my JET interview. I've got to get through said interview and actually graduate, which means taking Japanese exams involving 2 way interpretation exercises in front of a video camera! I am, to be graphic, shitting bricks. Oh yeah, I have unmanageable hair too! So the new year is looking good. Its gonna be an honest-to-God miracle if I get through all this! I have no idea what I'll do if even 1 of these things goes tits up! There is a lot riding on everything that happens from now until May. So, yeah. Miracle!

Talking of JET, our dear friend Canadian Alex got his interview acceptance letter yesterday. Congrats to him for that, but also for his turning 25! Today (Dec. 31st) is his birthday so...

   Happy Birthday Calex! 

Happy 25th Calex! I am both excited and fearful now. Hopefully I should receive my JET reply any day now... but what it says will make or break me. Hell, even if I do get an interview I have so much more to deal with that I may just break anyway....! And no sooner do I post this than it switches from Calex's birthday to January 1st 2007! So to everyone I say...

  Happy New Year 

2007. Trippy! Well peeps, here's to us. Its been a wild ride since last year. For the most part, our friendships were still in their fledgling stages, I was back here in England waiting to return to Japan. It was when I returned and walked into I House that I first realised how much I had missed it. Kellie helped me with my bags. Then Cass and Sarven met me after coming back from Saizeria and we watched House Of Flying Daggers in Sarv's room. Damn! I really miss it. I haven't stopped missing it and the life we had there. I'm so thankful for it and so pained that it won't happen again. All I can do now is look to the future...

Happy New Year! "I.... I'm a one-way motorway..."

  Best! Christmas Song! Ever!  

Love that robot! Well, Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm sorry I didn't get cards and stuff. I've been over-worked, over-lazy and I'm flat, stinking broke! But my sentiments lie here, on my faithful xanga! Love you all and thank you for being part of my life!  //_^ /  Peace!

OK! And since I've been promising this for a while and now I've finally got the
photos off Steve, I can finally do my fencing update. Finally! This is
gonna be pretty long and technical, so if you've no interest in the
hows and whys of fencing, don't bother. But enough people have been
displaying an interest so here goes...

Here are our weapons of choice. From top to bottom we have the Epee, the Foil and the Sabre. I'll start with my specialist weapon, Foil. The foil is the middle weapon, with the blue grip (thats my own, personal foil. Got it for Christmas 2 years ago!) The foil is the modern, sporting equivalent of the Rapier, the classic fencing sword. Its light and maneuverable with a flexible blade and is generally considered a training weapon for Epee, though is the most subtle and complex weapon to fight with. Generally, Foilists are small, quick people (hence me being a Foilist!)
Epee (top with red grip) is the classic dueling sword. Its like the Foil's big brother and has a bigger guard and firmer blade. An Epeeist employs all the same techniques a Foilist utilizes, but, due to the differing rules (explained later) and weight of the blade, they are employed more convincingly. Epeeists are usually tall, slim people. Our coach, Paul, and Steve (who is probably taller than Balex!) are Epeeists. Epee is my least used weapon as I'm too short to really be competitive at it, but I give it a whirl now and again.
Sabre is the cavalry sword and, unlike Foil and Epee, is employed to slash rather than stab (though stabbing is OK too!) It is flatter with an edge, unlike Foils and Epees, though the sport version has a thinner blade than a "real" sabre. Sabre is generally the most aggressive, least subtle weapon and Sabreurs are usually stocky types with a lot of upper body strength. Still, I fence Sabre quite a bit. Its got the most in common with lightsaber combat is why!
OK, so the rules...! This is where it gets complicated! Epee, which simulates real-life dueling, is simple enough. A hit to any part of the body is a point. If both hit, both get a point. Body, hand, head, big toe.. anywhere is a target. This is why Epee suits lanky peeps, cos it makes hitting without getting hit yourself way easier! Foil on the other hand, thats a brain-fryer! Foil rules are.... err, pretty complex. Both competitors wear lame (French
pronunciation. They're the silver body jackets) which is the target
area. Hits to non-torso parts of the body are disallowed, as the aim of
foil is to improve point accuracy, blade dexterity and the ability to
land a killing blow. Foil is governed by a complex right-of-way system,
where by a duelist must have "attacking time" in order to land a
successful hit. Its way too complex to explain in words so I'll try to be
brief. If you attack an opponent and hit them, you score. If you attack
an opponent and hit them, but they hit you too, you score, regardless
of who hit first. This is because, in initiating the attack, you have
"attacking time." Only when your opponent breaks your attacking time
and successfully counterattacks, do they score. For example, you
attack, during that attack the opponent parries your blade and
counterattacks and both of you hit. It is his point because he broke your attacking time with his parry and began an attack (by means of a riposte) of his own. Only by taking attacking time back will you be able to score again. There's so much more to it but its too complicated! Suffice to say, foil fights are often a blur of attacks, parries, ripostes, counter parries, counterattacks and are really cool, when 2 competent, evenly matched Foilists are involved. They are a nightmare to referee though!                                                             

Above is me (on the left) fencing Foil against 1 of Manchester's guys. I think I beat him, but he was the only member of their Foil Team who wasn't a GBR Olympic Squad member! To the right we have me fencing Sabre at the Ashton Open, about to land a hit on yet another GBR Squad member (note the Union Jack strips down his breeches!) I got my ass handed to me in that fight, but at least I scored a few. Which brings me on to Sabre. The target areas in Sabre are any part of the body above the waist (it was designed to be fenced on horseback is why!) and Sabreuers wear a lame like Foilists, but with sleeves. Like Foil, Sabre obeys a right-of-way system, though Sabre is a lot heavier handed than Foil, usually involving the 2 duelists charging at each other with a slash! Attacking time and right of way work the same as in Foil, but the attack speed and strength of Sabre often makes it harder to call (reffing Sabre is a pain too!) Stocky, strong Sabreuers, like Sabre Dave, often utilize heavy, constant attacks (he has made people bleed before!) but I've taken to adapting my Foil techniques, using my speed, distance and timing to counter attack as they attack me. Its great fun is Sabre! Super fun, even! (Matt: )
Well, thats all the explain-erizing I'm gonna do. I shall now recap what I have been meaning to regularly, but we never seemed to get the score sheets! The results of our BUSA (British Universities Sports Association) North West regionals matches. So this is how it looks so far:

Round 1 UCLan VS Bangor U. (home) UCLan 132 Bangor 105 UCLan wins!

Round 2 UCLan VS Liverpool U. (away) UCLan 135 Liverpool 95 UCLan wins!

Round 3 UCLan VS Lancaster U. (home) Time expired. To be determined...

Round 4 UCLan VS Manchester U. (home) UCLan 105 Manchester 135 Manchester wins.

Round 5 UCLan VS Keele U. (away) UCLan 128 Keele 116 UCLan wins!        

Round 6 UCLan VS Bangor U. (away) UCLan 131 Bangor 104 UCLan wins!

Round 7 UCLan VS Liverpool U. (home) UCLan 135 Liverpool 69 UCLan wins!

Round 8 UCLan VS Lancaster U. (away) UCLan 124 Lancaster 114 UCLan wins

(I was actually absent from our home match with Liverpool and our away match with Bangor. Sucks that sometimes I have to miss a match cos of school work! Psssh! Whadda they think I'm here for...?!) So far we have only lost to Manchester (with their Olympic Squad members) and are placed 2nd in the league, behind them. After Christmas we have to face Keele at home and Manchester away, plus the conclusion of our time-halted battle with Lancaster. Hopefully, we are looking to finish second, but if we can pull out an upset victory over Manchester we may have enough to win the league! Of course, if we do win the team gets promoted next year... but the whole team that won the league would be gone by them, pretty much.

Not much to say of life beyond fencing right now. Apart from the occasional respite found in playing Steel Battalion with Balex or watching a movie with he and Kate, the life is one of suckage. Work is constant and boring and has had me pulling yet more all-nighters in the library, which I could seriously do without! My portfolio for Japanese is being handed in late, something I suspect Amano Sensei has come to expect of me, and this hurts. Yes, even me, Crown Prince of the Rule Breaking Anti Authority types am disappointed by my inability to keep deadlines at the moment.
We finish for Christmas hols this Friday, though I will be working at my Mum's office to pay back my debt to my brother and will no doubt have to devote considerable time to my reading for my Dissertation. On the brightside... it is still Christmas soon....!!!

Peace Out! If you read all this post, you get a... (EDIT) warm feeling of satisfaction! But not a cookie! No more cookies! Nu uh!

What's with all the November birthdays? First there was my bro last week, then we have Cass' bro J(ar)ed (who forgot his age and believed he was turning 21, not 20!) followed by Kate turning 22 on Sunday just gone! Then we have Matt's Ma! Mrs. Lott turns.... err... I can only guess..errmm.. 43 ( ) today! And lest we forget, Bruce Lee woulda been 66 on the 22nd! So to all you people I say

Happy Birthday!

H'okay! So as mentioned it was Kate's birthday this Sunday and Balex and I joined her in returning home for the weekend to celebrate. We were extremely well fed, trekked around Kate's hometown of Ulverston a little during their "Dickensian Festival" (people dress in Victorian clothes and there's old time market stalls and games and the like) and checked out "Casino Royale", the new Bond movie Saturday evening. It was very cool! Still not "Goldeneye" cool, but waaaaaay better than "Die Another Day"! (First action sequence involves a La Parkeur-esq chase scene across a building site! Sweetness!) Kate still has her Japanese Keitai and its filled me with cho-natsukashisa! (Thats intense feelings of nostalgia for the non-Japanese speakers out there) Never have I wished I still had mine more, not only cos of playing around with Kate's but cos we got to see pics of younger Kate, complete with mass-of-curly-red-hair! If only phones here had the same photo quality you would now be looking at a pic of the lost Weasley sibling!
I've had a week of ups and downs, I gotta say. I have been working on an essay for the past 2 weeks. Its title is "Critically examine Japan's Role in the Economic Integration of the Asia Pacific Region" and yes, its every bit as boring as it sounds! Its probably the biggest grind of an essay I've ever had to write! After sitting in the library all of the weekend before last, 36 hours straight with no sleep and only chocolate bars and lucozade to keep me going I finally had it under wraps. I go to save and "Microsoft Word has encountered a problem and must close immediately." So it closes and takes my entire essay with it! I quietly stood up, left the library and went to bed! So, luckily my tutor gave me an extension but it meant i had to re-write the whole boring thing again! I took it in smaller chunks this time and finally finished last night! Oh God, it was boring! Still, no rest for the wicked. Our whole class must give presentations to the 2nd years tomorrow about our time in Japan. The 6 of us who went to NUFS have split into 2 groups (Yann, Alison and Sandra and Kate, Balex and myself) and shall regale our unworthy kohai with tales of Nagoya Gaidai. We have the first 4 tasks of our Language Portfolio due next week and I have another presentation to give in 2 weeks on the economic status of Taiwan. More bloody economics! Yawn-tastic! Oh yeah, and I have dissertations to get to grips with yet too!
Good news though! I have finally completed and submitted my JET application!

My 4 application packs, in all their resplendent glory! Its amazing how much attention to detail I have when I actually care about something! My online form was submitted last Wednesday and the back-up documents and paper forms were posted the day after. By now JET UK should be scrutinising every little detail and probably set it alight and thrown it out the window! But hopefully they won't. Hopefully they'll invite me to interview where hopefully I'll show them I have the potential to be the most powerful of all the JETs and hopefully they will wanna hire me and hopefully send me out to Aichi where hopefully I can be a really cool teacher and hopefully help set up the beginnings of the NUFS Reunion! (See, its no longer just "reunion". It's "Reunion!") Hopefully!
Whilst crashing at Kate's (in bunk-beds, no less) Balex and I talked extensively about NUFS. Its nothing that hasn't been said before, or that anyone else doesn't know, but we want back there! Somehow, someway, somewhen, we want back... So I hope ya'll want it too! I want JET so bad right now. I have never actually wanted a job I've applied for before and its a special kinda feeling. Like for the first time, I know what I want in life. Wish me luck people.

Peace Out! "When I was... a young boy... my father... took me into the city..."

Happy Birthday little brother! My own dear brother Christopher Richard Moss is 25 today! He's actually only 18 months younger than me, but its funny how we older siblings relish using diminutive language with our younger brothers or sisters, even if they are only a couple of years younger. Guess its our prerogative! Though the fact is that in every respect Chris is older than me, bar our actual chronological order of birth. Happy Birthday my wealthy, successful, responsible big-little brother! You really should have been the older one.
And now, some random facts about Chris...

• Chris likes Keira Knightley


• Chris is mildly OCD


• Chris hates jokes about his name being Chris Moss (Christmas)


• When he was 3, Chris ripped the door off our washing machine!


• Chris got into Green Day and the Foo Fighters before I did


• Chris' 2 best friends are called Chris and Chris


• Chris has a brand new car. Its not a jaguar (though he works for them) but it does have leather seats and a CD player... but I don't wanna talk about it anymore...!

(I just gotta say first off... "Welcome To The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance kicks ass! I first heard it at the weekend and its been in my head all week! I freakin' love it!!! m/ )

Anyways, visited home this past weekend. Whilst there I checked my bank account and received a pleasant surprise...! If by pleasant I mean very, very unpleasant and depressing!!! Basically, I was £600+ overdrawn. Whats more, they are probably gonna slap an overdraft fee of £150 on me for the crime of having no money! I managed to transfer all my additional savings and lesson the amount to £300 or so, but I have had to borrow money from my wealthy, financially secure brother to keep me, well... living! A part-time job is pretty much out of the question as all my efforts need to go into my work this year, so I'm looking to get some work over the Christmas holidays. I may have to end up working New Year's Eve or something, as you can get paid crap-loads for it, but hardly the height of New Year fun!  
Job applying is heavy on my agenda, however. JET UK have finally put up their application form for this year and I've jumped into the extensive and overwhelming experience of applying. Since I got back from Japan, I have found myself wanting to do JET more and more, resulting in me finding myself, for the first time in my life, really, really wanting the job I'm applying for! I have a month to complete the application process, which requires the acquisition and copying of varied forms and documents. Its all very stressful and overwhelming for someone like me, who can't even keep his socks paired up! (I really can't! They're all black. Its impossible...! Shut up!!!) Anyway, it all must be perfect. Perfect!!!

"Someday... I'll be the most powerful of all the JETs!  I'll even be able to stop Japanese adding "U" after every constanant sound and pronouncing "L" as "R"!!!"

Unfortunately I have to ask Takako, our incredibly intimidating sensei, for a reference. This means I have to keep her sweet and be as diligent a student as possible! One such example of this is the fact I had to miss our fencing match against Liverpool University this past week in order to take a test that I had already done. Takako realised she had got it wrong the day I was due to take the test, but I didn't make a fuss. Must keep Sensei sweet! Luckily, we won the match anyway! I'm gutted I missed another glorious UCLan victory though...!    We face Lancaster Uni. this coming week, but are psyching ourselves up to face Manchester Metropolitan University, which just happens to have a team consisting of members of the British Olympic squad!
One more thing for the NUFS peeps! I have decided to try drawing a comic about I House. It will be in pretty short installments and I'm not sure how often I will get to work on it , but the plan is for Mario to write, based on his wacky descriptions and tales from his Xanga. However, I'd like everyone to suggest story ideas. Random, off-the-wall stuff, spoofs of anime/video games/movies/whatever and stuff that generally parodies Japan, NUFS/I House and ourselves is the order of the day! Please feel free to email me with any suggestions at mossdiablo@gmail.com. Am planning to try writing a version of it in Japanese too! Should be fun, so I want everyone's help!

Thats all for now. Peace Out! "The form is with me... but I am not a JET yet...!"
 

British Universites Sports Association

Fencing (North West Regionals): Round 1

University Of Central Lancashire VS University Of Bangor

Final Score
UCLan 132 Bangor 105

Thats right! UCLan for the win! Booya! Yatta ze! Woohoo! We fenced our first team event versus Bangor Uni this past Friday and we emerged well and truly victorious! The first of what we (perhaps somewhat dillusionally) hope will be many victories ahead of us! It went something like this....

Okay... well maybe not exactly like that... but that woulda been freakin' awesome, huh?! Anyway, I came through the team try-outs the night before with my position on the Foil Team intact but also with the 3rd spot on the Sabre Team too. To clarify, there are 3 weapons fenced. Sabre, Foil and Epee. In a team event, each weapon has a team of 3 fencers, making team of 9! However, if you don't have enough people, a person can fence 2 or 3 weapons. For this match (and perhaps from now on) I am part of the Sabre Team as well as the Foil Team, which is sweet cos I love fencing Sabre! Things kicked off slowly for us. We started with Foil and dropped behind due to myself, Paul (our coach, who is also fencing all 3 weapons on the team... Its ok cos he's a student too!) and our newest recruit, an experienced newcomer named Jim, being largely out of practice. I was having trouble with a left-hander (as always... And I don't just mean in fencing!!!) and was feeling my rage and frustration building inside of me. However, I managed to overcome my fear and anger by my next fight and totally owned my next opponent! I managed to close the point defecit to just 3 points, which it remained until we finished Foil. So we lost the Foil by 3 points. No matter. We totally kicked ass in the Sabre, myself, Paul and Sabre Dave winning by a 10+ point margin! The Epee Team of Paul, Sabre Dave (but doing Epee) and Steve similarly owned, nay "pwned", the opposition in the Epee to clinch our victory, UCLan winning by a 27 point lead.
I've promised to explain the rules of fencing at some point to the interested few. Not gonna do that now cos I'm still waiting on pictures from our Team Captain, Steve. I'll definitely do that at some point, it would just be way easier (and way cooler) with pictures! So bare with me! Onegai!
Well, as you can tell, my mood is way up following last week's alcohol-initiated, bed-ridden misery fest. I received a lot of support from all of you and I thank you deeply for the whole caring thing. Its ironic because this is exactly why I miss you guys so much. I'm very lucky to have you. Impossibly lucky, NUFS peeps or otherwise! Thank you! Seriously!
On another note, here are the results from another online quiz diversion of mine. Its a Star Wars "Which Force-User Are You?" quiz! I must insist that at least the NUFS kids take the same test and post (or at least inform of) their results. I think it will come as no surprise to many that...

You scored as Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker: The Chosen One. Anakin Skywalker 96% Luke Skywalker 88% Darth Maul 63% Random Jedi 63% Master Yoda 58% Qui-Gon Jinn 58% Count Dooku 54% Obi-Wan Kenobi 50% Mace Windu 46% Darth Sidious 33% Darth Vader 29% What Force User Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Well, yeah! Look at that. Anakin 1st. Luke 2nd. How whiny must I be? Wait.... don't answer that! Sarven, Matt, Calex and Holly especially... do this test!
Okay... thats about all. The rest of my time has been spent in class or round Balex and Kate's, playing Sniper Elite with Balex or watching movies. We got in Batman Begins and Dracula (the one with Gary Oldman) today before I took off for fencing training. I've also recently decided that I must regularly gorge myself on chocolate as it has proven (?) mood-enhancing properties so I've bought a tonne of Mars Bars and a slab of Aero which I'm feeding my face on right now. I'm heading home this weekend to pic up some of the stuff I forgot when I moved up here and get my washing done (I still don't know where the laundry is in these dorms!)

Do I think about much other than Star Wars and fencing? I'll leave that up to you...

Catchya later! Love and Peace! "I'm sorry it took me so long..."

This is gonna be fun! Actually its not. I'm being sarcastic. 

So, most of you will know I have been tee-total for the past few months. I have never developed a taste for alcohol (I actually find the stuff gross) and only drink when I'm depressed. "Takes My Pain Away" sorta thing! Usually this leads to some sort of explosive outburst of emotion and often self-destructive behaviour. For this reason, after due prompting, I promised Matt and Mike I would quit. For good. I imagine you can see where this is leading...? Yeah! Last night I downed 6 bottles of beer on a (near) empty stomach, mostly alone in my room. (Always good for the soul, ne!?) I should point out that, inspite of some of them urging me to drink on a number of occasions, none of my fencing teammates got me to drink. I had planned from the minute i woke up that I would get wasted that night. It was totally premeditated. It was all me! I wanted it. I didn't need it. I don't even like it. But I wanted it.
For some stupid reason I got depressed the night before and I just stopped caring. I woke up feeling terrible and very nearly skipped class and fencing (Yes! Fencing is back on!) but, not wanting to get into those kinda habits again, I forced myself to go to both. At the post-fencing jaunt to the pub and I refused my usual lemonade in favour of several budweisers! I then stocked up on some more afterwards and took them to my room where Cass, Matt and Dani, all online at various points, got to endure my drunken ramblings and my flatmates were alerted several times by me trying to smash an empty bottle on my desk. Unfortunately (perhaps that should be "fortunately") they wouldn't break. Strong, those buds! Either way, I have been sat here, nursing a hangover and even heavier feelings of grief, disappointment, guilt and self-loathing since 11 am. Its at least something that I chose to stay in and not join my teammates on a pub-crawl tonight. I don't know why I suddenly got this way but its generally related to NUFS. I'm suddenly finding myself not dealing very well with the whole "missing people" thing. I'm actually one of the lucky ones as I my entire class, bar one, went to NUFS. I'm often at Balex and Kate's more than I am here. Most of the past few weeks have been good. Having the other UCLan-NUFS alumni with me is to literally have a piece of the whole experience still alive and well. But, never one to let reason stand in the way of misery, I suddenly found myself as depressed as I've ever been since the emotional armageddon that was leaving NUFS!
I'm not one to open up easily. Pre-NUFS, I could count on one hand the amount of people I'd actually let my armour down for. At NUFS I found that in just a few months, I was as close to people as friends I've had for many years. As those friendships grew even stronger I realised I was exactly where I've always wanted to be. Together with people I love. Living, sharing, there for each other. A family. But, just like my blood family, it all had to end. "Tales From Another Broken Home!" We all had to leave. It was hard, but I accepted it over time and looked to the future. But, two night ago, my insecurities got the better of me. We are all separated, and I don't mean geographically. Separate lives. Are we really going to remain a family? I can't speak for anyone else but I would have us all together, a family for life, if I could. I really wish I could be living with Kate and Balex right now, but there was no way I could afford £70+ rent per week! I can barely afford this place! Point is, I have always been something of an outsider, or black sheep or whatever. At NUFS I found my home. But now, after months of optimism (and preaching said optimism to Cass and Calex when they got all emo) I now find myself unable to follow my own advice. I'm good at that!
I'm finding it hard too, not having the support I had whenever I was down. Or to be more accurate, the environment of support. For most of my life I've had a Squall Leonheart complex going on. Its difficult for me to open up. My Dad said of me recently I have always been guarded. I was always emotionally stoic, even as a child. Though my emotions were always intense I never let anyone see them. I've tried to change that in recent years but I fear the fact that it leaves me very vulnerable. At NUFS I came to depend, to trust, so entirely, I let people in like never before. Now I'm feeling very vulnerable, having let my armour down only to lose the people I let it down for. I find myself wondering if that level of trust can still exist now, or if I should look into getting some new armour fitted...!?
This emo-durge has gone on for long enough. I'm sorry for my behaviour, those of you who have bore witness to it, yesterday and many times before. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you who, for reasons that often escape me, care!

Sorry everyone. Take Care. "My heart is yours... to break or bury..."