March 29, 2007

• Alone + Easy Target!

  The title of this post isn’t that relevant. I’ve just had the song in my head for a while. The one solid reason I can find for it is I just became officially homeless! My Mum has just found a new job in her hometown of Kettering and will be selling the house and moving back there ASAP. My brother will be moving into his new house someday soon, leaving me… nowhere, really. Suddenly the need to get back to Japan, hopefully with JET, became far more urgent! 1 and a half months, a 10,000 word dissertation, 2 essays (at 3000 words each) and 2 Japanese exams stand between me and that goal right now, hence the keigo and goi practice sat on my lap. I’m all angst ridden about everything, as usual, only its not due so much to introspection at the moment as…. ermm… “extrospection?” (Is that even a word….?)

  My life is about to come to another crossroads, I guess that’s why I’m in this mood and I guess “feeling alone” is something that I think about a lot. It is kinda the source of my more deep-seated and realistic fears. Lava, I’m just scared to death of and clowns creep me out… but being alone…? It’s difficult to define. Do we ever really stop being alone? Is there always a gap between human beings, no matter how close we get? Can we ever really rely on someone(s) to be there for us? As a kid I spent loadsa time alone and always thought it was no problem to me. I even enjoyed it. I often imagined myself, as I got older, living alone. My own space, totally suited to me, doing things my way. Then, not long after hitting 20, I suddenly felt something scary… what it would be like to lose someone. To lose them literally or figuratively… to lose the relationship, the special and unique connection between you. I can’t describe just how much that thought scared me. As a result, I’ve become kinda clingy. I House. NUFS. You knew I had to go there with all this, right?! Giving me a house full of the closest of friends and somehow tricking me into thinking that 10 months would last forever… its like giving me my one true wish! Except the tricking me part. Leaving, that was not much fun… I guess I wonder how things will pan out. I’ll slam the breaks on now and try not to drive headlong into another over-introspective emo lamppost. Argh! Too late.

  Happy Birthday Rob

  

  It was Rob’s birthday this past week, so Happy 26th Birthday to you, Rob. Thanks for being nearly my age!

  We finish for our Easter Break today. Not much of a break, though. Contrary to the somewhat moody subject matter of much of this post, I’m feeling ok at present. Anxious about exams and getting my work done, scared about the future, but ok! Much needed evenings with Kate and Balex doin’ the film and video game thing break up the pressure. I especially thank Star Wars! It always seems to pick me up. Kate, Balex and I started watching them again. Actually, we watched Episode 5 then Episode 3 (they happen to be my favourite 2) and I was all “lets watch em all again!” Star Wars! What would I do without you?

  It’s oveeeeeeeeerrrr! (A ship. A cup. A ship. A speeder.)

  • 9:19 pm
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